Professor X and Student Z: A Weird Academic Discourse, Or, A Very UnEnlightened Exchange

Oh Noble Reader! Please know that of what follows: All is true. For the mind yet unsullied by graduate school and the lice-ridden Underbelly of the Academy, read no further, lest your Purest Humanity be corrupted by this all-too faithful depiction of Vice and Cruelty. If, Dear Reader, you have already Fallen into that deep abyss of Highest Education, continue on, and heed not the Example of Professor X.

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Dear Professor X,

I am eager to schedule the exam for which I have been preparing these several months. I propose date A or date B; please let me know if either of these are amenable.

Best Wishes,

Student Z

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Dear Student Z,

Exam? Please visit my office so that I can evaluate your level of preparation. Because you have failed to email me as often as I had anticipated, and because I set expectations about your email communications and still chose not to communicate those expectations to you, I had assumed you had left the university.

Best,

Professor X

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Dear Professor X,

Please accept my sincere apologies for failing to adhere to your expectations for email communication. I have been in contact with Professor B, who I assumed was also in contact with you. It seems like we both made some incorrect assumptions! Wait, you assumed that I had dropped out of school? I find it insulting that you assumed that I had abdicated my responsibilities, rather than assuming that I had my nose buried in books, and that I was focused on my studies. Also, I can't believe that you would assume that I had dropped out of school, and that you made no effort to find out why or if you could help get me back on track. Please do not be offended, but I am not entirely sure that you are human. Or at least not human in the way that other humans might recognize.

Sincerely and apologetically,

Student Z

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Dear Student Z,

You are insulted? I don't see that you have a right to be pissed at me. I am the one who has a right to be pissed. You did not conform to my secret email standards. I do not understand your approach to graduate school. This is very serious business. I'll have you know that people speak very highly of me. Very highly. I work with lots of people. I do not understand why you think that you have a right to have feelings. Furthermore, I do not understand your suggestion that I am inhuman. What am I, a computer? I will have you know that people speak very highly of me.

Agitatedly,

Professor X

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Dear Professor X,

Nevermind that I am not pissed and that you are putting words in my mouth. Disappointed and confused? Certainly. May I please implore you to, once again, accept my sincerest apology and inquire how I might mend the situation. I do not intend to fight with you about this. I also speak very highly of you. [Thinking: I also feel somewhat sorry for you, if a lowly graduate student such as myself can offend you to such a degree. I am sorry that you studied at University D with Professor J, and that you will probably never reach his level of notoriety. It is clear that you care greatly about your reputation. I am sorry that providing pragmatic and useful guidance to your students is a task that seems to be beneath you. I am sorry that we are misunderstanding each other so completely.]

Best Wishes,

Student Z

PS Can I please schedule my exam, so that I can get on with my research?